It's been a while. I finally got some me time, so here i am with my random thoughts again. Something that's been on my mind lately is this thing called: sticking up for myself. I don't know about you, but this is a hard thing for me to do. Ever since i can remember there has always been a reluctance in me, for instance, to say no to the people i hold dear. So why is that? Maybe because i don't want to disappoint the people i love most, or maybe this ungrounded fear that they won't love me as much when i stop bending backwards to please them. It's only recent that i'm aware of this dis functional behavior which i will call: the need to please people. Before, this was just a automatic way of life for me. So where does this behavior come from, i ask myself. I think mostly the Asian culture (we are Vietnamese), upbringing and maybe some unprocessed trauma. Daddy or mommy issues. Whatever. But a fact is that it is something i would like to change.

So the last few months I've been trying to stick up for myself and be honest to the people i care about, by telling them no (of course in a very polite, non aggressive way). Sounds weird, but i think that those very important people deserve to know the real me. And if they actually care for the person that i am, they will still be around after i say no a couple of times.. ;) So, how am i doing on that part..?Hmmm sometimes i do ok and sometimes it's easier for me not stick up for myself. So i'm not quite there yet, but i will. I figured out that the easiest way for me to actually say what i think and feel (without a fear or insecurity that the other significant other will not care for me anymore) is when I'm angry or upset. Of course this is not a good way to communicate, so I'm still figuring out how to say what i think and feel in a non emotional way. But men, it is hard to do that, since my emotions can take the overhand. Writing an reaction to the other person helps, but having an argument over the sms service of your phone is not ideal either. Not to mention the costs.. ;) I guess it has always been that way. Talking and constructive communication was not the strongest suit in our family. So I'm used to holding stuff in until it comes out in a not so..eh pretty way. I do feel that i need to separate my emotions and feelings and communicate in an almost businesslike way when it comes to conflicts or confrontations. Those wonderful communication courses my boss send me to can actually be useful anyway.. ;) I know the importance of getting that part right. But how do i get from knowing, to actually doing it and making it a second nature? I do make small victories at times by sticking up for myself and i am proud of those small victories, but I'm still not there yet. Guess we are always going somewhere in this crazy thing called life. Maybe it's not about the destination, maybe we need to focus on the way to our destination. Wherever that may be. For those who think that they can take advantage of me now cause i'm such a peoplepleaser. Don't bother. I've learned something new, listen carefully when i say: NO! ;)