It's been a while. I finally got some me time, so here i am with my random thoughts again. Something that's been on my mind lately is this thing called: sticking up for myself. I don't know about you, but this is a hard thing for me to do. Ever since i can remember there has always been a reluctance in me, for instance, to say no to the people i hold dear. So why is that? Maybe because i don't want to disappoint the people i love most, or maybe this ungrounded fear that they won't love me as much when i stop bending backwards to please them. It's only recent that i'm aware of this dis functional behavior which i will call: the need to please people. Before, this was just a automatic way of life for me. So where does this behavior come from, i ask myself. I think mostly the Asian culture (we are Vietnamese), upbringing and maybe some unprocessed trauma. Daddy or mommy issues. Whatever. But a fact is that it is something i would like to change.

So the last few months I've been trying to stick up for myself and be honest to the people i care about, by telling them no (of course in a very polite, non aggressive way). Sounds weird, but i think that those very important people deserve to know the real me. And if they actually care for the person that i am, they will still be around after i say no a couple of times.. ;) So, how am i doing on that part..?Hmmm sometimes i do ok and sometimes it's easier for me not stick up for myself. So i'm not quite there yet, but i will. I figured out that the easiest way for me to actually say what i think and feel (without a fear or insecurity that the other significant other will not care for me anymore) is when I'm angry or upset. Of course this is not a good way to communicate, so I'm still figuring out how to say what i think and feel in a non emotional way. But men, it is hard to do that, since my emotions can take the overhand. Writing an reaction to the other person helps, but having an argument over the sms service of your phone is not ideal either. Not to mention the costs.. ;) I guess it has always been that way. Talking and constructive communication was not the strongest suit in our family. So I'm used to holding stuff in until it comes out in a not so..eh pretty way. I do feel that i need to separate my emotions and feelings and communicate in an almost businesslike way when it comes to conflicts or confrontations. Those wonderful communication courses my boss send me to can actually be useful anyway.. ;) I know the importance of getting that part right. But how do i get from knowing, to actually doing it and making it a second nature? I do make small victories at times by sticking up for myself and i am proud of those small victories, but I'm still not there yet. Guess we are always going somewhere in this crazy thing called life. Maybe it's not about the destination, maybe we need to focus on the way to our destination. Wherever that may be. For those who think that they can take advantage of me now cause i'm such a peoplepleaser. Don't bother. I've learned something new, listen carefully when i say: NO! ;)

Liefde

Als je echt om iemand geeft diep van binnen

Dan zal je ook de tekortkomingen beminnen

Pas als je dat van binnen voelt

Dan weet je hoe liefde altijd was bedoeld

Liefde is niet iets wat je krijgt

Het is iets wat soms jezelf overstijgt

Je wilt alles geven en delen

En misschien kan je dan zelf ook van binnen helen

Zodat je samen echt één bent

Zo maak je van liefde een onverwoestbaar fundament

The road of life

I just bought a new pair of shoes again. This time a lovely, high Nike Prestige with shiny black, conrete grey and neon green. Now, to you it just might seem like i'm just another ordinary chick with too much shoes, but somehow i feel misunderstood if you put it like that. Let me try and explain what shoes actually mean to me. Shoes keep my feet warm when they are cold. They represent the mood i am in. They give me the power to let everybody around me know how i feel today. Do i feel playfull? Then chances are i probably wear a colourful sneaker. Do i feel like a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it, then look down and you probably see pumps with a 10 cm heel on my feet..So shoes to me are not just some object to keep my feet from getting dirty when i go from A to B. They are my friends, my concience and my identity. They are like the oldest friend i have. Always taking me where i wanna be, telling the story of me to the world. They can make or break an outfit. They are loyal, never leave your side and functional. And when they are old and worn down, like my first pair of all stars, i will honour them like i would an old old friend who never left my side and was there through it all. So don't ever say that we have too much shoes, since you can also never have too much friends by your side walking the road of life with you..

And besides, you mess with my shoes, i'll mess you up. For you should never mess with a girl's shoes. Mess with anything you like, but not the shoes boys, not the shoes... :)

Crossroads

In life you will always encounter crossroads. Crossroads that will make it possible to choose the outcome of your own life. Crossroads that also make it possible to ask yourself out loud: What do i want? Through the motion of life and everything in it, your own voice can be drowned out by expectations of others, expectations you have set for yourself and society. You stop listening and just go on automatic pilot. How many times do we say yes, when we actually mean no? We have this natural desire to be loved and accepted by others. But have you ever asked yourself if you truly love and accept yourself? It sounds like i got it all figured out huh?! No, not really. Just wanted to let you know, i also watch Oprah. Why pay for a headdoctor if i can get it on free cable?! :)

Home

Today we got a first look in our new house to be. The place where your day starts and ends (unless you wake up sleeping in the gutter after a wild party night). Got me thinking about all the homes i have had in my life.

1982: My first home, the home where i was created (let's put this whole creating process in fast forward shall we? Ieuw.) and born, was this shady flat in the ghetto of Sweetlake City. Even though it wasn't the best neighborhood in town, i still remember all the different cultures that lived together side by side. Different in every way but one thing in common, everybody had to make ends meet. And they never met.

1986-2000: we moved to another neighborhood in Buytenwegh. During this time i had my first major crush (some popular dude in my class all the girls had a thing for. He never gave me the time of day. I was 12. Saw him a while back and to my satisfaction he turned ugly,fat and worked in a movie rental store. Full time.). Got my first drink and my first hangover from that drink. I no longer like Fiero. First time clubbing (with my brother as watchdog), first kiss, first boyfriend, just the first time ;) and my first break up and last but not least a really bad case of mould in my room. Not really where the magic all happened, unless you find the fungus art on my former bedroomwall magical.

2000-2001: moved with my mom, new stepdad and brother to another house in Buytenwegh. This was in my rebel teenage years. Not something to be proud of.

2002-2004: got my own studio in de Leyens in a complex called the Sprinter. It was tiny (my bed was a bed/couch/dinnertable/storageplace in one) but it was mine. My neighbour was weird. Discovered anime (Naruto) and that helped me through some lesser times. Once locked myself up for 2 weeks and did nothing but watching anime and eating canned cocktail sausages and bread. I no longer like canned sausages.. ;).

2004-2004: had my first grown up job in Haarlem and due to temporary insanity decided that i should move there. I can count the times i actually slept there on one hand. Got really, really homesick on my own in the middle of nowhere (Haarlem). Moved in no time back to Sweet Lake City. That helped me realize how strong my bond is with my mother and brother.

2005: moved back to my mom for a couple of months untill i got my own place again. That helped me realize how much my own space means to me. Sorry mom, love you to death, but going back to the eighties/nineties (no privacy, no space, getting on eachothers nerves etc) like that was not my thing. Nothing personal.

2006-2008: got my own place across the street from my mom. Perfect! All the perks (free food, regular homecooked meals etc) of living close to my mom, without the burdens (the above mentioned no privacy, no space, getting on eachothers nerves etc). Lost some people there in my life, but also gained good people back. Learned some hard lessons about trust (or better said: lack off) friendships, letting go, saying goodbye's and acceptance.

2007-2009: moved in with my bf. First time actually sharing. Sharing finances, bills, space and responsebillities. Falling down, getting up and then doing it a bit better. Adjusting to a new and scary situation. But i like to think i got it right by learning. And still learning.

2009-2010: Bought an actual house together with my bf. The whole nine yards. Garden, 4 bedrooms, kitchen, storage closets and last but not least a big fat morgage..;) What will be next in store?

The day after yesterday

Since the last time i got all Dr. Phil on you guys with my: accept the past, embrace today and look forward on life stuff, i decided to keep this one simple. So last night we went to this party. It involved a group of very nice people, some golden hit songs, some exes (see my first blog about keep running into people), some booze, some booze and well some booze. That combined with some booze, well, was some hell of a party.

The day after looked like this: headaches who probably have their own social security number in my head right now, pale skin with sags under my eyes (don't think the-black-stripes-under-the-eye-tour-of-duty-look will ever be a trend), funky smelling clothes (beer mixed with smoke and other unidentified sweat and liquor from various underaged boys and girls), some weird ass crusty, crispy stains on my favorite dress and the boyfriend still passed out in bed and last but not least: me with a big smile on my face and in my head..

Quantum Leap

When i was young, silly and still innocent i had this tv show i was obsessed with. Remember Quantum Leap? This tv show about a time traveller going back into time and fixing the wrongs by taking over the body's of this particular person in history? Besides the fact it was a bad eighties/nineties tv show which reminds me of a creepy time travellers version of invasion of the body snatchers, it fascinated me for years. The idea that what already happened doesn't have to be absolute and we tiny pawns in this big board game called life can go back into time and fix things that are unfinished, had a certain romantic idea and was better then the alternative: that the burden of regret can be something some of us have to live with for as long as we are alive. Since that tv show i did some growing up and nowadays i have a totally new philosophy on fixing the wrongs in one's past. When you are learning things whether it's at school, at your job or just learning to speak better in public, you never try to fix thing while learning. You make mistakes and you learn from it and next time you do it a little bit better, but you never try to go back into time to the mistakes and try to erase or fix them. So why not look at life with the same mentality? Accept your past, embrace today and look forward to life, instead of looking backwards trying to fix the things from the past. Take that Quantum Leap ahead instead of back. I would like to thank the friends who made me aware of this and now i'm hoping to do the same for you.

P.s: Does this mean i never look back reminiscing the time when i was 16 and had a sixpack to die for and looked hot in belly-less tops? No of course not, i'm only human, but now i just wear those great lengthy a-line tops to cover up the no-packs i now gracefully wear. Resistance is futile.

Sleepless in Sweetlake City

Having random attacks of insomnia has it advantages. This morning i woke up before the sun did and while trying to force myself to sleep, my random thoughts reached a climax. After deciding i can't defeat the demons of sleep, i decided to go downstairs and see if i could put these random thoughts, in an orderly fashion, into words. Got the brilliant idea of creating a blog, so others can be a witness of my mental downward spiral and weird, obsessive thoughts. So, enthusiastically came up with this oh so great, but not so original, idea of creating a blog. Figures that it's not that original, since i found out a minute ago, i already had one. Which i forgot all about. Got a great idea twice. Really not original, but i'm glad i and myself are mentally on the same page here.